Saturday, September 05, 2009

10 years an Austinite: Blow-up sofa meets Ms. Snooty


So there we were, me, my wife and my then 16-year-old daughter, near an air pump at a South Austin convenience store, unsuccessfully trying to stuff an inflatable sofa into the back of my pickup. Can you picture this? Well, this scene played out within the first month after we moved to Austin.

The sofa was my wife's idea. Before we'd moved to Austin, she insisted we sell our living room furniture. She never liked our set because I'd purchased it before we got married and, apparently, she had a dislike for overstuffed brown and plaid tweed.

Actually, she'd insisted many times before that we get rid of the furniture, but I was more of a practical person. Sofas were for sitting, not for looking at, or for matching the curtains. I'd paid for that furniture, it was less than five years old, so it didn't make any sense to get rid of it. But we were moving to a new city, and I was ready to begin life anew. I sold our living room set for practically nothing. Go figure.

We moved to Austin at a time when everyone else in the country was moving here, too. The occupancy rate for apartments was something like 99 percent, so I was lucky to find an empty apartment for my family.

We rented a small, newly-built, three-bedroom apartment in South Austin. It had central air, an automatic dishwasher and garbage disposal — a new experience for us. We were living large compared to where we had come from, with the exception that we were sitting on the floor. The move hadn't cost us a dime, but we didn't have enough money to purchase another living room set.

While shopping, my wife purchased a sofa that fit our budget perfectly. She brought it home one evening in a Target shopping bag. It was no heavier than a blanket, silver and see-through, retro-looking. Inflated, it looked like a miniature model of The Hindenburg. Or a Marine rescue boat. Had we lived in a flood plane, there would have been no worries.

The sofa was larger than average, and it sat higher. To sit down, you practically had to climb up on it. And worse yet, it filled the entire apartment with the aroma a shower curtain.

I thought: Is she kidding? I'm in a brand-spanking new apartment, in a brand-spanking new city, with a brand-spanking new job. I'm not furnishing my home with an over-sized birthday party balloon. I objected, but my objections were overruled by our budget. We kept The Hindenburg with a plan to get new furniture when we had a house built.

On most days it wasn't an issue. We didn't know anyone in Austin, so we didn't have any visitors . . . well, except for one: Ms. Snooty. My daughter had become best friends with a girl at her school. Her mother was one of those bourgeois people who had acquired a little money from her in-home nursing business and looked down her nose at anyone who didn't drive a Lexis nicer than hers.

Ms. Snooty and her daughter lived in a beautifully furnished house, in the upscale and affluent Circle C subdivision. I'd been there many times to drop off and pick up my daughter, and Ms. Snooty often offered advice on the proper ways to raise a teenage daughter — like we had been doing it wrong all along. One time, she even offered to keep our daughter for us, because, she said, our daughter would be much happier living with her. Biach!

After a football game one evening, the girls had planned to sleep over with us. So before the game, Ms. Snooty dropped in for a visit to check things out.

"Lovely place you have here," she said, as she walked in to our apartment. Her tone was disapproving. She scanned every inch of the kitchen and living room, which was mostly naked with the exception of a small dinette set, a television, and The Hindenburg.

"Have a seat," I said, reluctantly, stretching my hand out towards a chair at the dinette. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"Water," she said, dryly. The girls scurried off to the back bedroom and slammed the door. My wife removed a bottle of water from the refrigerator, poured it into a glass and handed it to Ms. Snooty, whose eyes were frozen on The Hindenburg.

"It's just temporary," I said, giggling nervously. "We plan to get new furniture after we buy a house." I made small talk about the Austin housing market when Ms. Snooty unexpectedly walked over to the sofa and sat down. The friction from her leather skirt and the plastic made an unfortunate, flatulent noise. If it were possible for a Black woman to turn red, Ms. Snooty would have been purple.

My wife and I looked at each other, wanting to crack up. We didn't because, suddenly, the side of the sofa that Ms. Snooty was sitting on began to sink, while the other end began to rise. Within seconds, The Hindenburg was standing upright near a 45-degree angle. Squatted down there with her butt on the sofa — and one hand on the ground for balance — she looked like the Center in a football game, ready the hike the ball. Our so-called decorative pillows had slid down and piled against her side, which made her balancing act even more awkward.

The three of us continued to chat for a half-hour, acting as though nothing out of the ordinary were happening. When Ms. Snooty had enough of our plastic airship she quickly made an exit. It was a humbling experience for everyone involved.

We lived in that apartment for six months before we moved into our new home. The Hindenburg currently resides in our garage, folded up in a corner, to be sold at our neighborhood garage sale later this fall.

I couldn’t find an image of the actual sofa, but I did find the chair version. Just imagine it four times the length and twice as tall.

10 comments:

Rasco from RIF said...

I have not laughed this hard in years...oh, my word! Reminds me of the first "adult" living room furniture I had; it was some kind of foam with stretchy nylon junk stretched over the hardened foam with chrome-like legs. Several years after this furniture came to live in my living room I had a reception for some people with whom I served on a state board. A PhD professor on the Board with me and her PhD husband sat on it and it broke in the middle and they both slid toward one another onto the floor! Thank goodness they weren't "snooties" and had great senses of humor....

BookMoot said...

Your words did a good job but I would LOVE for you to create an illustration of that event. What an image!!

ross said...

Ooh this is fabulous! Cool collection of Sofa Sets for your living room decoration from spacify.com

Wes Bridel said...

That was hilarious Don! Thanks for the laugh.

Corey said...

That was a classic story LOL. I gotta say .. you must be a very patient man. Seems instant karma took care of her..
We have a neighbor who felt the need to warn us against our other neighbors.
"You may want to keep your cat inside.. thats the kind of thing people around here will call about"
During a home construction project:
"You may want to clean up those boards outside.. thats the kind of thing people will call about around here."
After living in paranoia of what kind of neighborhood we had moved into.. we soon realized the only one CALLING was HER! The only way to handle these people is with a good sense of humor.

Charles Apple said...

Don, my friend, I think you just wrote you next book.

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Gina and Victor said...

This is hilarious! We laughed out loud. Happy belated birthday! We were googling online to see if you had any new books and came upon this...

Blago said...
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