Ok, I spent some time today checkin' out publisher's online submissions guidelines. Mostly they vary. But there are some commonalities, heres a look:
Thank you for your interest in publishing with our company. But, go away, our editors are busy. We don't have time to read your manuscript, we are a publishing house. If you insist upon sending it, we will throw it in the trash upon receipt. Please include a self addressed envelope, so we can throw that away, too. There are certain protocol we follow in this business. First, we suggest that you get yourself a literary agent. Keep in mind, the good one's won't want to be bothered either. And should you actually attain one, do us a favor: Tell them leave us alone, too — again, we are busy. Should your agent decide to bother us anyway — and they probably will — we might consider reading your stuff. Now, don't get happy, Jack, 'cause that ain't no guarantee. Should your agent actually get our attention, it will take us about six months, or longer, before we respond to either of you poor saps -- if we choose to respond at all. Remember, we don't like you, or your agent.
Second, please do not call, email, fax, or send us a follow up letter 'cause that'll just peeve us off that much more. Saps like you come a dime-a-dozen, and we know your type — don't even try to trick us by sending more than one submission. We don't want to read your first submission, much less your second. Three or more, and we will blacklist you — you won't even find work writing classifieds for Highlights magazine. And don't send us no talking animal stories, 'cause we burn them.
Do not include any illustrations with your submission; we don't like you, much less your illustrator. And don't submit your manuscript to more than one publishing house at a time, it just ain't nice.
Thank you for your time, good luck, now get off our website unless you're buying something!
P.S. If you are a celebrity, with no writing experience, or interest whatsoever in children's literature beyond reviving your washed-up career, we want to publish you soon. Please call.
Note to the editor who has been reading my blog surreptitiously: I'm just kidding, your online submissions guidelines were actually very cordial.
**Edit to original post: As a commenter stated, I hope this will be taken in the spirit of fun it was intended.