Tuesday, July 26, 2005

I could have been a plumber




















The wife said, "Devas, you can do it." I thought, probably not. "You replaced the faucet the last time it broke," she said, attempting to remind me. But what she didn't know was the last time it broke, I merely snapped the cheap plastic parts back together, and returned the newly bought faucet to Home Depot. This undertaking was going to be big, way over my head. "We'd better call in the professionals," I said, not wanting to be bothered with any faucets, pipes, or anything under the sink. "You can do it, my 'Wonderboy'," she said, pinching my backside. Ooh, just the thing to reactivate a brotha's innate plumbing instincts.

Without further ado, I went to work, emphatically, like a zulu ambush on a pygmie settlement, unless, that is, zulus love pygmies, and in that case, my metaphor is ruined. I stooped down to the floor and after compromising my spinal alignment, balled myself up and climbed in. First things first, looking around I analyzed my surroundings. No spiders.

The deed actually turned out to be rather simple. I turned off the spigot, finagled a clip-on lamp to just the right spot as not to electrocute myself in a puddle of lightening-laced water. My fingers intertwined themselves between plastic pipes, and rusted nuts. Water dripped occasionally, sullying my eyes and several times I jammed my head into the garbage disposal unit. Ouch!

But alas, the deed was finally done in just over an hour. I ran upstairs to collect my reward, not forgetting that little backside pinch. She was sleep. I read.

Mom (Mz. Gig) You would'a been proud.

Hot feet in Austin
Just on a fluke, I decided to leave my big and index toes in charge of keeping my footwear attached to my feet. They held on for dear life to a plastic strap carefully threaded between the four of them. They struggled to hold on as each flap-flap-flap of these floppy shoes slapped the back of my heels in these not-so-comfortable summertime shoes they call flip-flops or thongs. I'll never do this again, never! And I can't even imagine the kind that one wears on their butt.

Just plain hot
The only thing worse than driving a truck, engine profusly smoking from a broken air conditioner, and low oil, on a triple-digit hot day in an Austin traffic jam, is driving that truck with my son, singing a song, and asking questions back to back. "Dad, are we at swimming yet? Dad, are we at swimming, yet? Dad, are we at swimming, yet?"

21 comments:

The Gig said...

LOL, LOL, LOL -- This post is tooo funny. You do have nice legs if I have to say so myself -- they must have come from yo pops. *big wide grin*

What's the difference in my talking in public about hemorroids and you implicating you are going upstairs to catch your sexy reward? ha, ha

Yes, Devas, I'm proud of your plumbing abilities. However, it looks as though you are putting pressure on your spine.

Spiders, eh -- though you told me you weren't afraid of them? ha, ha
Let's see, what can I do about that one? (Thinking out loud).

One last thing -- why don't you do something about that raggedy truck? Now putting the description of that on the public blog should be quite embarrassing.

princessdominique said...

Yes I've got to give it to you, hurray for the "fix it man" in you! A little encouragement from wifey will go a long long long way.

Nikki said...

Oooh, sexy legs. Look at you, Mr. Fix-it.

**RPM** said...

I love your candor about going to Home Depot and letting them piece together your stuff. Nice.

You poor soul.

Broken air conditioning? Uncivilized. Hey - wanna come by and scoop up my dead cricket? **RPM got jokes**

Jdid said...

I turned into the plumber two weeks ago too and with some luck i was able to fix the problem of course this means the next time there is a problem i'll be called again

yea no flip flops for me either

Kim said...

Yeah for you! My faucet broke a few months back. I called the plumber. $900 later, I had a new faucet. Nope nothing else. Just a faucet. My husband was sick over the whole thing and vowed to redeem the situation. The next weekend, he replaced every other faucet in the house...all under $900! That plumbing can be tricky business!

Phil Plasma said...

spiders, not worried.
plumbing, I've completely changed the kitchen faucet with success, not ever having done anything like it before. Patience is what was needed most.

Triple digits without A/C, sounds fun... ;-)

Up here we don't get triple digits.

The Archivist said...

Seems like it would have been less painful for you to get a professional to do it.

Rinda M. Byers said...

I never have to encourage my husband to fix anything around here. ALL I have to do is to try to fix it myself and let him find out that I am attempting this ALL on my ownsome...

I have persuaded him at long last that I can change light bulbs all on my own.

One time, I took of his hammers, the oldest, beatenest-up one, upstairs to my sewing room to do something a little privately creative up there with it. Once I convinced him that I HAD been using bricks to pound with instead, he finally let me 'borrow" his hammer for a little bit.

I decided right then and there that I desperately needed one of those new pink hammers made especially for women...mabye my mom or his mom will get it for me for Christmas. Wha? Wha What??????? You need a hammer? We have three already...what do you need another hammer for??

It's pink and it's pretty, and I want to hammer with it all by myself,t that's why....sigh...sigh..sigh...I do have the most fixedup house, though, and tons of jealous girlfriends....

Friar Tuck said...

Gig--real men drive cars until they cant drive no more. LOL

Devas--Doesn't it always fill you with a sense of accomplishment when you accomplish what you do not think you can beforehand?
And....sorry you lost your reward. As a single man, no matter how much I am told different, I have this idea that those rewards will be available 24/7 once you are married--like on demand television. LOL.

Don Tate II said...

@ Mz. Gig: I don't want a car payment. I'm driving that truck till it dies. And its on its last leg now.

@RPM: got your tag, I'm doing mine a bit different. Look see later this week.

@ Kim: wait till I tell the wife I saved her $900!

@ Rinda: a pink hammer! Oh, how girlie of you.


@ Clint (de bubba): No. Not happen that way.

Brea said...

Great photo!!

Lauren said...

As I look at that photo....I'm wondering, how in the world are you staying in the air? I just don't have the lower back strength...that's a position I'd never be able to be in. :-\ LOL

Luke Cage said...

I was never a mr. Fixit kind of guy until after I got married. I was embarrassed to see most of that stuff was simply nuts and bolts, twist here, unlatch there kind of things. How little I knew then, but how much I know now. Good job on saving all of that money man!

Oricon Ailin said...

LOL! Way to go Don!! Sorry no *reward* for you, but hey, you did accomplish something you didn't think you could. *smiles*

My fiance isn't the fixer-upper type. In fact, that is MY job. I am the tool person and the handywoman in the house. hehehe

Two weeks ago I spent an hour putting a new band on the 10 year old Maytag clothes dryer!! It was a pain the butt though!!! hehehe

Also, the flip flop things aren't too comfortable. Eeks!

Meka said...

"unless, that is, zulus love pygmies, and in that case, my metaphor is ruined"

I actually laughed out loud at that one. Good post!

The Gig said...

Clint -- he must be a REALLLL man then because that truck is beyond it's last legs -- it's on the second go round and then some.

Positively Cheryl said...

LEGS!! I have a weakness for athletic legs. Lookin' good D!

Kids are wonderful aren't they? I used to be that eager and anxious kid that wanted to go swimming. I sure miss those days. On the air conditioning problem: I can totally relate because I was without air when it was 105 degrees last week -- dang near passed out on the highway because I couldn't breathe! I immediately had it fixed that night. Can't imagine you without air in Texas though...yikes!

I answered your 3d elephant question below your comment, but i'm not sure about your Photoshop question. I use it but i'm not understanding exactly what filter you're speaking of.

Take it ez!

Myrah said...

You look like a regular "Snyder" fixin that sink there!! Ditto Gig on the legs!! Good Job!!

Christopher M. Beatrice said...

Ok humm glad I don't have an island behind my sink cause there ain't no way I would have been under there like that. But plumbing is simple, I tell you what don't ever pay people for nothing most things you would cry at how simple they are. Bout the only thing I wouldn't try was A/C and furnace. I did all my own electric and plumbing. great job on gettin er fixed man.

Varian Johnson said...

"...zulu ambush on a pygmie settlement."

Man, you are too funny!! I know you're an illustrator, but you've got to put the paintbrush down and get to typing. We need more brothas like you writing books.

Varian Johnson
www.varianjohnson.com