Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Celebrating the 4th with the Dorks

Sidenote: Before writing this entry, upon opening a bottle of strawberry flavored sparkling water, the bottle burst all over Mr. Dork as well as all over Mrs. Dork's freshly mopped kitchen floor. A fitting prelude to today's entry.

Fourth of July with the Dorks

1. Before setting off to yesterday's Fourth of July fireworks show, The Dorks stop off at a Super Walmart to pick up a few goodies to eat while watching the fireworks show. There's a fight in the toy aisle. Mr. Dork has found a rare motorcycle Hotwheel to add to his collection. Little Dork also wants that same Hotwheel. Mr. Dork wins the fight because Little Dork, well, is little, and he has no money.

2. Ms. Dork packs plenty of games and goodies for the Forth of July fireworks show. Among other things, she has also packed nacho chips; strawberry twizzlers; peanut butter cookies; cereal bites; a cooler full of salsa; soda pops; and 4 beers for Mr. Dork.

3. After parking their van, Mr. Dork decides he doesn't want to carry around his keys with everything else he already has to carry, so he slips the keys into Mrs. Dorks purse, zipping it back up tightly, but without informing Mrs. Dork of his actions. Mrs. Dork doesn't want to carry around her purse with everything else she already has to carry, so she slips her purse into a little compartment beneath the passengers seat without telling Mr. Dork of her actions. The little compartment didn't know that the keys were in the purse, so the little compartment locked itself without telling the Dorks about its actions.

4. The Dorks have a problem. Besides having no way to get into that little compartment, they are now asking each other questions like, "since when do you ever use that little compartment," and "why didn't you tell me you put the keys in my purse?"

5. Mr. Dork decides to call a lock company while viewing the fireworks show, but no lock company had ever head of someone locking their keys into a little compartment under their seat, so they weren't equipped to help the Dorks.

6. Mr. Dork thought it was time to have one of those beers.

7. The Dorks enjoyed the fireworks show although the restrooms were too crowded. None of the Dorks chose to stand in line.

8. The Dorks decided to take a bus home, and since one was conveniently passing the park, they jumped right on — cooler, three fold-up chairs, a blanket, two plastic sacks filled with snacks in hand.

9. The bus quickly filled up shoulder to shoulder with all sorts of downtown nightlife-looking people. Mr. Dork sat between a punk rocker-looking girly guy and another guy with dyed yellow hair, eye mascara, black fingernail polish and too many body piercings. Mr. Dork held on close to Little Dork.

10. The bus made an unexpected stop. Little Dork who never sits still, loses his balance, and falls to the floor.

11. Mrs. Dork reaches for, and catches Little Dork, but somehow the cooler which was balanced on Mrs. Dorks feet, to make more room for some of the still standing downtown-looking nightlife people, falls completely over as the bus lurches to a stop.

12. The cooler, ice, soda pop, salsa and beers make a loud crash, fall to the floor and roll/slide from the back of the bus, all the way to the front of the bus. Everyone is now looking at this only-out-of-a-TV-sitcom situation.

13. Mr. Dork looks away, pretending he's not with Mrs. and Little Dork.

14. The bus only takes the Dorks part of the way home, so Mr. Dork decides to make the 2-mile walk home, garage door opener in hand, so he can get into the house, and get the other set of keys.

15. In the meantime, Ms. Dork and Little Dork are sitting outside the Walgreens store finally having relieved themselves; eyes full of tears because, well, life's just hard on Dorks.

16. A nice lady in an oversized SUV feels bad for Mrs. and Little Dork, so after learning the whole story offers Mrs. Dork a ride home. Maybe they'll even rescue Mr. Dork who never made it to the restroom, and now, three hours later, has to go REALLY bad.

17. Mr. Dork figures, well, it's 11:30 PM, it's pitch-black outside because there's no streetlights on this 2-mile stretch of road. He figured, there's plenty of bushes, maybe he should just relieve himself of this overdue restroom situation. He could not hold it any longer.

18. While relieving himself in a bush, the lady in the oversized SUV, along with her two kids, Mrs. Dork and Little Dork pull up shining a high beam spot light on Mr. Dork, who, to his horror, now thinks he's just been busted by the police and is quickly zipping up his pants.
(Ok, #18 didn't happen, but it could have considering Mr. Dork really had to go.)

19. The Dorks are returned home, they use their garage door opener to let themselves in, they get Mr. Dork's keys and take his truck back downtown to unlock the keys from the little compartment in Mrs. Dork's van. Then they go home.

20. Mr. Dork finishes off those unused beers.


Inside note: **RPM** you may want to reconsider your offer.

24 comments:

Nikki said...

LOL, this would make a good short film. Hell, you could parlay this into a UPN sitcom, hahahaha!!

E_1979 said...

No what this is is a short childrens book..... That's exactly what it is .. It's cute it's mad funny ...... I liked it ... but maybe edit out the Brewkies ( beers don't know if the slang is national).

Oricon Ailin said...

This was TOOO funny!! I would love to see this in a cartoon form! You could draw it! hehehe

Thanks for the great story. I know it was a pain for you, but really, God has a sense of humor, and sometimes, we just need a little comedy in our lives.

I'm just glad that everything worked out and that nothing bad happened to any of you.

Hope you at least got to enjoy the fireworks!!!

*HUGS* and Blessings.

Luke Cage said...

LOL!!! That was a comical post friend. And the clincher with you "warning" miss RPM about reconsidering her offer, great stuff...!

Jheris said...

o wow dad that sounds just like you too and your right yall are a bunch of dorks

Jez Chill said...

Cedric the Entertainer would be great in the made for TV version!

Aziza said...

Oh my goodness. *lol* You and your family had to endure all that drama yesterday. I hope that you all can laugh about it today. A similar incident happened to my family when I was a kid. After a social event (wedding reception or something) ended around 11:00p.m., we couldn't find the car keys, but they were in my little sister's (she was about 3) pocket all the time. We laugh about it now.

Christopher M. Beatrice said...

WOW dude that sounds like and awesome experience you should keep that in the files for later years to reach back and laugh on.. Well glad everything worked out in the end.. Have a great one man

Kim said...

I think the Austin Dorks and the Kansas City Dorks share a branch on the family tree. It would be funny if it didn't sound like something from my real life! Great post.

The Gig said...

LOL, LOL, Ask Mrs. Dork and she will tell you it's par for the course with Mr. Dork. And Little Dork doesn't deserve the name because he's the only innocent one in this scenerio.

As for Mr. Dork -- You can get rid of the beers altogether and substitute them with prayer.

Shawn said...

Well Dad The"Dorks" had a better 4th of july than big sister Dork. That wsa funnnunnnnyyyy. Something you can laugh at for years

WIP said...

In season two of "The Dorks," mister and missus Dork decide to only bring ONE oversized beach towel, a disposable bag of goodies, an empty "emergency" bottle (or wear Depends, whatever the preference), themselves, along with a keychain equipped with a belt hook for securing keys to their person, to the fireworks show.

Again, I note to self: Don't move to Iowa and raise innocent children who I would like to grow up "hip," responsible, and un-dorkie! *LOL*

Myrah said...

Now that's funny but one question if you were going to go back to the van after getting the keys why did you Lug all that stuff on the bus??? Free hands would have been better!! Really very funny!

Poor Dorks!

EJ Flavors said...

Um, are you SURE we're not related?! Surely there's a dork society for us somewhere....

Chris Barton said...

Glad you could turn such a lousy, dorky experience into a great, dorky story.

Glad I could just read about it instead of having to live it...

ShellyP said...

I'm sorry I had such a good laugh at your expense! :) That story was tooo funny!

princessdominique said...

Man oh man oh man! What a day!

Maurice said...

And I thought I had a "fun" time watching fireworks with Bryson swirling sparklers too near everyone and talking in his "I've got to speak to the back of the auditorium" voice when his mother, sister and I are sitting within 5 feet of each other. You're not dorks, circumstances lined up just right for you to have an interesting experience that will last a lifetime. Plus it gives me more stuff to hold over my cousins head the next time we all get together.

Don Tate II said...

@ Maurice: *snicker, snicker* That will be too funny!

The Archivist said...

That was great. Really good. Reminded me of events in my family.

Jdid said...

oh this was too funny!

Anonymous said...

hysterical, sorry, i know this can be H E double toothpics but reassures me i am not the only one
really i did lol - goes to show me that even how different people are we all do some of the same stuff and can only laugh about it when it is not us
-blarney

Rinda M. Byers said...

Don, your blog is MORE than funny! I was laughing out loud so hard my stomach hurt...my husband's got to read this one...

Rinda M. Byers

Anonymous said...

#13...I didn't even know how much I needed to laugh today.

LOL!!!!!!!