Friday, May 06, 2005

Pocketing my emotions

As I posted before, I simply don't do emotions. I pocket my feelings, tucking them away out of sight, out of mind. I don't know why, but it suits me just fine. Comfortable. Natural for me. About as natural as standing up in the John when taking a leak. That's how guys do it, right? I won't try feigning some kind of super-macho persona. Anyone who's spent any time around me can attest to the fact that macho does not describe this brotha at all. So, without giving away too much of the intimate details between the wife and I, what does it mean when a woman says, "I need for you to trust me with your feelings?" Does she want me to cry? Should I have just broken down at the movies when Sponge Bob was laid out flat under that drying lamp all shrivelled up and dying a slow death? My son showed his emotions – tears welled up in his eyes, he curled up in my lap and turned his head away as the last drop of water evaporated out of Sponge Bob's lifeless body. Does he at three possess more moxie than I? What is this trust issue with women as it relates to feelings? I share a story with my mom, she wants to know is how I feel. Have a conversation with one of the daughters, I will quickly learn how they feel.
If I'm amused, I will laugh. If I'm happy, I will smile. If I'm angry, I may hide it, that's just Devas T. But should I blow up; should I yell; should I cry, does that turn women on? Or have I shared my feelings all wrong. I'm confused. That's why I keep them pocketed away. Safe.

Ladies, a brotha needs a clue.

Unrelated thought for the day: Snerdly is starting to get on my nerves. If he's not gonna die, he could at least start swimming upside-right. Or the the son will think he's dead and he'll cry, outflexing my moxie once again.

Word of the day: moxie


mellow said...

I take that statement to mean that she just wants you to open up...however you would do that.
A friend of mine tells me all the time that she can never tell what I'm thinking. I have been known to wear a carefully made up face during different situations, so I think even if I just said "I'm mad" that would be better than just leaving someone to wonder...

just my .02

The Gig said...

I often hide behind my smiles and laughter, especially when I am having a bad day. I don't know how you feel inside when you hold in your emotions. As I have always told you, it's not good to hold in your emotions, they may come out in another way, and that is not healthy.

WIP said...

Act human, dernit! For real tho...communicate how you feel, when you are feeling it. My girlfriend was just telling me yesterday that her husband is going through some things and one afternoon after work he just laid his head in her lap and cried and talked about things. *Aww* My husband. When he doesn't have a good day, he'll call me immediately when things are down and start to share. I listen, amen him and then assess what he needs from me. Usually he just wants to share his feelings and I stay supportive AND quiet. Other times he needs the strength that only a Godly wife has to offer in his times of weakness and I hit him hard with the truth. Later on he reflects and reminds me how much of a real friend I am to him despite the fact that I'm the wifee.

Trust her with your feelings equals communicate your feelings to her--on a regular basis.

Just my two cents worth.

ShellyP said...

I think mellow has it exactly right! You don't have to express emotion, but you have to verbalize your thoughts.

Btw, how do you feel about my hat??

Luke Cage said...

Brotha Don, my thoughts were echoed well by Mellow, but especially by proactiff. From women, there is this need to feel that a man is as expressive as they are. Especially in a relationship. The more open a man is, the more connected the woman seems to be to him.

I had a tear run down my face one time from some movie, and if my wife wasn't my wife at the time, she would've dragged my ass downtown to City Hall and gotten married to me right then. The outpouring of emotion is not meant to be an albatross for us, even though it can be. It's meant to be some kind of emotional revelation to the ladies.

The wifey appreciates that I have concerns, troubling things on my mind, and other issues that I share with her on a moment's notice. Its just me and its the way that I am, but one thing a woman will not ever say to me is "I need you to trust me with your feelings." I think I hit 'em with it. Brah, she simply wants you to be a little more expressive with your feelings. Talking more, hearing what she's got to say about said issue. I know. I was the same way as you when I was a little Luke Cage.

In fairness though, if you are the type that tucks your feelings away the way that you do, without harm to yourself, then that's got to be accepted also. You're not going to stop being you overnight man. I HAD to stop because bottling up my emotions was killing me. I had ulcers all the time. Once I started emoting more, it was a wrap!

Jdid said...

my wife says i'm emotionally dead so I cant help you brother lol.

But yes women need for men to share their emotions and talk and tell them whats wrng etc, I think its some sort of maternal instinct to try to solve our problems. Problem is some guys just hold it all inside, I know I do.

Friar Tuck said...

Hey, I am single man, so I don't have much to tell you on this end.

Except that I am a CE/Youth staff person at a church. So that means that I have to do the working with women thing on committees, with the secretaries, and with teenage girls.

Here are my helpful hints anyway:

1.) Find emotive words with your vocabulary things.

2.) Use emotional word pictures:
"When you said that I felt like a ten ton rock was just lifted off my back"

3.) Read Psalms aloud and make them your prayer.

What women need to know:

1.) Wheras crying is emotional response for many women--anger is often a man's first response. And when he is silent, he often is trying to figure out and understand what other circumstances, thoughts, and emotions are driving this anger.
His silence can often be a good thing, because he doesnt know how to deal with his anger and it may come out in innappropriate ways.

2.) Men share emotions more with physical activity. If you want to get him to open up, share a physical activity with him. Go for a walk. Weed the flower bed with him. Or, engage in other physical activities. :) He finds it easier to talk when he is doing/has done something active.

As a pastor I have learned more about guys building something with them, or working out, or whatever than I ever had having them sit down and talk to me in my office

anyway...hope that rings true for everyone.

Christopher M. Beatrice said...

Well here is my opinion, my ex wife always wanted to know how I felt. And when I told her it was always like well how can you feel that way. On the other hand crying for me is not uncommon I cry during sad movies and events, I also start crying just driving down the road during nice weather with a good view I think that is a God thing probably. well anyway that is my thoughts

ManNMotion said...

Man, I was like I don't have any answers to this one but I can't wait to read the comments. After reading them it occurs to me that you have to be YOU and try to verbalize what's in your heart sometimes. It's nice to confirm what I've always suspected - that I'm not the only man who cries at movies.

Diva said...

I don't really get into that "trust me with your feelings" stuff. That's not to say that I never have. I used to do it because I was afraid that if he didn't share/show his emotions that he wasn't giving me his entire self...that it meant I wasn't worthy. Now, I know better. That wasn't it at all. I told him that he could share with me on his own time when HE was ready...the time that I used to spend whining about it, I blog...LOL I understand that he needs a certain amount of time to deal with whatever it is he's dealing with before he brings it to me, so I back off and let him come to me on his own time. I just remind him that I'm there for him...whenever he's ready to talk, or cry, or vent or whatever. It doesn't take him long to come to me after that.

Brea said...

Baby steps. I agree with what everyone has said. The first step is that you recognize that there is a problem and you are asking for help. That is huge. Take what you can from what everyone has said. Then start small. It becomes easier as you get into the habit. Make sure to let us know when you "get it". Good luck!!

Positively Cheryl said...

Hi Don,
Thanks for visiting my corner of the world. My blog is positive 95% of the time, even when i've had a bad day or just want to speak my mind. I was suffering from 'not_enoughspringitis' and our cold snowy weather seemed like it just wouldn't go away.

I am a communicator. I want to hear it all. I want to know ALL about your feelings and thoughts. You cannot hide from me. Perhaps she's just like me? She just wants you to open up and share and FEEL and show your sensitive side.

Have a great weekend. I will use the word 'moxie' 3 times in a sentence today.

Nzyme said...

Hello!! Just stopped by to say that I love your blog! Keep up the good work!!

princessdominique said...

I typed up a response and thought I sent it before AOL quit on me, but the jist of it was, make sharing your smiles and laughs just as important as the tears and anger--it doesn't mean she wants you to yell when you're angry, a simple, "I'm really upset about that will do." It shows your human-ness. Sounds like she just wants the chance to help you through and encourage you just as you must do when she's in that type of situation.

Oricon Ailin said...

I'll give you the advice I got from one of my friends. He and I used to have these "disagreements" because I thought one thing and he thought another.

He told me to read the book, "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." I know, you're gonna laugh. I did the same. BUT, truly, this book explains the difference between women and men and how each express themselves.

As a matter of fact, you both should read it. It would be good for both of you.

It worked for my friend and I. I understand him more and he understands me more. Makes life so much more simple once you understand the simple workings of a female mind and male mind. hehehe

Best of luck to you!!

(And PS---There is nothing wrong with keeping your emotions to yourself, so long as it doesn't become detrimental to your wellbeing.)

Have a blessed day! :o)

The Gig said...

Hey Mr. "D" you say you don't do emotions -- what do you think "love" is? It is a very fine emotion and you admitted that you love me. Actually, I know what you mean, you are not an expressive emotional person. I get it.

The Archivist said...

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I gotta read it again. I'm having girl troubles again.